I’m medicated. How are you?

I’ve got me a super-fun case of both bronchitis and sinusitis (two great infections that go great together!), so bear with me if I make no sense.
When your face feels as if it’s on fire and your head feels as if an elephant is stepping on it from the inside and your chest feels as if it’s a giant bruise that someone keeps hitting with steel wool, medicine tends to be on your mind.
As someone who’s written a fair number of ads, I’m fascinated by ads for medication–prescription medication, in particular. The requirement to list possible side effects makes most medication ads surreal, hilarious, or both. Placaudal will clear your skin, improve your Jeopardy game, and make both of your legs the same length. You won’t know how you lived before Placaudal. In fact, there’s not much point in living without it. Oh, but, some people do experience massive anal leakage. Your fecal matter may be washed out on a dark brown ocean of foulness, a thing that could happen anytime and anywhere. We recommend an adult diaper. And a backup diaper over that diaper. You just can’t be too careful. Now, enjoy a whole new life, with Placaudal!
Not long ago, a friend showed me a packet of Niacin that took a new approach to the side effects warning, and it’s one that the prescription drug people might want to emulate. The package described an invigourating tingling sensation that would make you feel refreshed and alive. That’s an interesting way of saying (to quote Wikipedia): “Pharmacological doses of niacin often lead to side-effects that can include dermatological complaints such as skin flushing and itching… The flush lasts for about 15 to 30 minutes, and is sometimes accompanied by a prickly or itching sensation, particularly in areas covered by clothing.”
Amazing work It’s not a bug! It’s a feature! Imagine if the makers of Placaudal followed that lead. Anal leakage could be called stool softening. Heck, people pay for stool softeners. You wouldn’t get insomnia from a drug anymore–it would be an energy booster. You wouldn’t get a rash–you’d have more colour in your cheeks. The drug doesn’t cause nausea–it’s a diet aid. Perspective is everything, isn’t it?
Current Bedside Reading: John Allen Paulos, Innumeracy: Mathematical Illiteracy and its Consequences
Commentary: Some mathematicians are lovely people. Some have plenty of friends. Others would have plenty of friends if they cared to make them, but prefer solitude, which is fine. And then there’s John Allen Paulos, who I believe spends most of his time with numbers because numbers are the only things that can stand him.
My iPod Is Singing: “What I had between the things I never tried was you reaching out.”

I’ve got me a super-fun case of both bronchitis and sinusitis (two great infections that go great together!), so bear with me if I make no sense.

When your face feels as if it’s on fire and your head feels as if an elephant is stepping on it from the inside and your chest feels as if it’s a giant bruise that someone keeps hitting with steel wool, medicine tends to be on your mind.

As someone who’s written a fair number of ads, I’m fascinated by ads for medication–prescription medication, in particular. The requirement to list possible side effects makes most medication ads surreal, hilarious, or both. Placaudal will clear your skin, improve your Jeopardy game, and make both of your legs the same length. You won’t know how you lived before Placaudal. In fact, there’s not much point in living without it. Oh, but, some people do experience massive anal leakage. Your fecal matter may be washed out on a dark brown ocean of foulness, a thing that could happen anytime and anywhere. We recommend an adult diaper. And a backup diaper over that diaper. You can’t be too careful. Now, enjoy a whole new life, with Placaudal!

Not long ago, a friend showed me a packet of Niacin that took a new approach to the side effects warning, and it’s one that the prescription drug people might want to emulate. The package described an invigourating tingling sensation that would make you feel refreshed and alive. That’s an interesting way of saying (to quote Wikipedia): “Pharmacological doses of niacin often lead to side-effects that can include dermatological complaints such as skin flushing and itching… The flush lasts for about 15 to 30 minutes, and is sometimes accompanied by a prickly or itching sensation, particularly in areas covered by clothing.”

Amazing work It’s not a bug! It’s a feature! Imagine if the makers of Placaudal followed that lead. Anal leakage could be called stool softening. Heck, people pay for stool softeners. You wouldn’t get insomnia from a drug anymore–it would be an energy booster. You wouldn’t get a rash–you’d have more colour in your cheeks. The drug doesn’t cause nausea–it’s a diet aid.

Perspective is everything, isn’t it?

Current Bedside Reading: John Allen Paulos, Innumeracy: Mathematical Illiteracy and its Consequences

Commentary: Some mathematicians are lovely people. Some have plenty of friends. Others would have plenty of friends if they cared to make them, but prefer solitude, which is fine. And then there’s John Allen Paulos, who I believe spends most of his time with numbers because numbers are the only things that can stand him.

My iPod Is Singing: “What I had between the things I never tried was you reaching out.”

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Jan 25, 2010

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Comments

RecoveringSTVStaffer (Jan 25, 2010)

Drugs….most of my clients are in the stratosphere, with the aid of pharmacological aids (mostly legal ones too.) Yeah, the problem with the ‘spinning’ of side effects into bonuses is the inevitable lawsuits. I’m surprised Big Pharm hadn’t lobbied to have the SE’s taken from ads, cause they are probably detrimental to sales. Anal leakage does not equal a stool softener. Call it an internal colonic instead.

Gayleen (Jan 25, 2010)

I don’t think you can deny that liquid stool is softer than it otherwise might be.

Big pharma’s first hurdle was getting those ads on TV in the first place. It’s only been legal for about 10 years or so to advertise prescription medication on television. I’m sure big pharma will eventually get around to trying to have the side effect restriction removed.

kenn (Jan 25, 2010)

You don’t think they’re trying now? Those must be some strong meds you’re on….

Grymm the pleasant (Jan 25, 2010)

I’m not sure if the old method still works of getting around this, which is to just say “ask your Doctor about blah or simply flashing that blah exists on the screen”, and not give any clue as to what it does (if you don’t mention its purpose, you don’t need to mention the side effects, or at least didn’t).

The problem with your solution is that side effects don’t occur regularly enough to consider them actual effects. So if anal leakage only occurs in 10% of the people who take it, saying that it loosens stool may lead to problems when your drug is considered non-efficacious in 90% of those who took it. Besides, it is hard to spin “death” into a positive side effect, and it is easier to deal with that if it isn’t the only side effect.

James Brown (Jan 25, 2010)

“Besides, it is hard to spin “death” into a positive side effect, [...].”

Your scruples are simply in excess of what the task demands.

“Has been known to bring relief for people suffering terminal illness.”

“May result in a complete loss of pain.”

“In 15% of test subjects, permanently removed all symptoms of insomnia.”

James

Gayleen (Jan 25, 2010)

Exactly. There’s always a way.

RecoveringSTVStaffer (Jan 26, 2010)

You people frighten me, with your evil copy writing ability.

/must try to work the phrase anal leakage into a conversation today

Anne (Jan 30, 2010)

I’m pretty sure big pharma worships at the altar of whoever said, “There are lies, damned lies and statistics.”

I took Xenical briefly and let me tell ya–anal leakage takes stool softening to a whole other dimension. It wasn’t so much a case (heh heh)of “Depends” as “Imperatives”.

Gayleen (Feb 03, 2010)

You know, if Xenical really helped people ditch a decent percentage of body weight (and fat, not water weight), that might be worth going through a few weeks of ewwwww… depending on one’s circumstances. But my understanding is that it does very freakin’ little. Except for the poo thing.

Seriously, isn’t it something like five more pounds a year than you would have lost without it? Five pounds=not worth crapping my pants. It’s like that thing on the Simpsons where an alarm system guy says, “You can’t put a price on your family’s safety” and Homer says, “I wouldn’t have thought so, either, but here we are.” Apparently there is price I will not pay to lose five pounds.

Gayleen (Feb 03, 2010)

““In 15% of test subjects, permanently removed all symptoms of insomnia.”

Whoa, dude, hang on… are you predicting a zombie rate of 85 percent?

RecoveringSTVStaffer (Feb 08, 2010)

Whoa, dude, hang on… are you predicting a zombie rate of 85 percent?

While that may sound bad, let marketing have a kick at it first.

Thunderhowl (Feb 11, 2010)

“Reuniting loved ones after tragic events in 85% of our clients.”