I need to take another nap. Or go to the mediclinic. Or take a nap at the mediclinic. In the meantime, I bring you a guest post from the Dread Pirate Clown Shoes, who is recapping the reality TV show I was in ages ago and which is now airing on Book Television.

He has other posts about the show, and will have future recaps, at televisionwithoutviewers.blogspot.com.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present our very special guest blogger, the DPCS! YAAAAAAY!

Episode One: The Storm Gathers (no, it DOESN’T!)

So this is the first recap. Please forgive the doubtless atrocious punctuation and spelling you may encounter. I’m trying to make this quick and dirty.

Okay, here we go. I am seated uncomfortably on a wooden chair near the television in case I need to pause the tape or back it up to quote people. Normal people would use a remote, but I don’t know where the VCR remote is. At one point in my life this would have been a huge crisis. I’m a movie nerd, and I must have spent a thousand hours or more in front of this particular VCR. Now it occurs to me that I haven’t used it in months. Everything’s digital now, and I like it. It’s better. Still I feel old, and I’m already involved in nostalgia before the credits roll. Nostalgia is all wrong. I’m hear to bring snark.

The show starts with a flash of smoke. That’s misdirection. Misdirection is important when you are trying to make something seem exciting when it isn’t. 12 people, each writing a book, is not exciting. Not visually, anyhow. It’s interesting. It’s damned interesting, but it’s not exciting. For some reason, though, they want to make this exciting and so they’re discussing the contest in voiceover while making a lot of quick video game cuts and shaking the camera. The narrator, is doing a fine job.. but is not Rachel. Rachel is the host. I’m guessing by the time the station actually got around to editing this into a show, she had moved on. After two years, no wonder. The thing is Rachel was great, and I wanted her to narrate. Not this guy. He’s fine but he’s not the host. I’ll call him the Parasite. Which is unkind, but that’s the name of this dance.

Oh, here’s Rachel. And here are some shots of the poor bastards who are on the show in the middle of the night. There’s Gordon brushing his teeth and James in his boxers. Lorna is talking about how the experience is like being drunk, and.. oh look, now the girls are getting drunk at the restaurant next door. Heh.

Now there’s Joe on her back dealing with her nosebleed. That is a horrible story, and if they don’t talk about it in episode 2, I sure will. I wasn’t proud of the service industry that day. Fucking hotel fuckers.

Now they’re moving the camera around a lot again as we go to the opening credits to build heat. The credits show the writers all in turn, trying to, apparently make them all look fierce. It’s sort of funny, and I think it’s meant to be, which is good because a less fierce bunch you are unlikely to meet in this world. They’re great people, but they are writers after all. Most writers aren’t Hemingway or Bukowski.

And the credits are done, which is good, but at least they were short.

And we’re meeting the judges. The Parasite describes them as 3 very qualified wizards of the word. I hate that sentence on so many levels.

The first we meet is Melissa. To explain who she is you need to know that there is the 3 Day Novel show, but there is also the 3 Day Novel Contest overall. Anyone can enter the overall contest from anywhere in the world. We’re just here looking at twelve people doing that. One of them will win the show, but not necessarily the overall contest. Okay. Melissa is currently running the overall contest. Has done for years. She is insanely qualified as a judge. Did she just say she’d read over 2000 3-Day novels. Jesus Christ! I’ve read about six of them and two were my own. I can’t imagine reading that many and still wanting to live. Most of them aren’t very good, I’m thinking, and a lot of what gets submitted must be actually insane and dreadful.

Oh and now she’s saying that, of course, it will be much harder to write under the conditions of the show. Thank you, Melissa, for fuelling G’s constant claims and smug satisfaction that my shortlisting last year was a pale achievement compared to her shortlisting while writing on the show. That’s just what I needed. Not that she and I are competitive. Anyway….

And here’s Todd. Oh, Todd. Melissa seemed so competent and alive. You are about as exciting as a piece of bread soaking in milk. Not all writers belong on TV, and you are one of those. You seem awfully out of your depth and what?

What did you say? Let me back that up. Yes. You did say that.

“Writing stories of this sort, whether it’s novels or plays is the hardest work a human can do.”

Oh dear. Todd, to quote Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, join me over here on camera three.

You see, Todd, you look to me like an overprivileged white dude in a suit. There is more to you than that. I know. You, like any human being contain depths and mysteries unfathomable. If I didn’t love people for their utter fabulousness I wouldn’t have to say this to you. You are a fucking asshat.

The hardest work a human being can do. Bitch, please. Coal mining. Picking cotton. Harvesting coffee beans. I worked in a bread factory for two days. Trust me, that’s hard work. I have worked on printing presses, and as far as work goes, I’d rather write the books than print them.

Writing is important, and it’s challenging, it is not the hardest work a human being can do. It’s not even the most important. The degree to which that comment is sheltered, privileged idiocy is hard to fully describe. It’s not a good start, my brother. Seriously. You make me want to slap you. In the nuts.

And now here’s Minister Faust. His mother didn’t name him that, but whatever. He’s a writer and a showman, and I respect his work. That said, that hat. Man. I don’t want to be insensitive. I’m aware that hat is part of your cultural heritage, and part of your persona, but it makes you look like a fry cook.

And I’ve missed some things, while ranting, but here’s Faust saying the biggest obstacle for the contestants will be insecurity. Huh. The kind that makes people use a fake name and take on a persona? Interesting. I’m just saying. I think there are some cracks in the tough guy facade here.

Todd has just called this an impossible feat. No. Words mean things. Hundreds of people do this every year. All twelve contestants in this show will finish. It’s hard, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s not impossible. Again, it’s interesting. Why is interesting such a hard sell?

Faust and Melissa are talking about the advantage of having finished a book before in completing the 3-day. This is extremely fair comment in my opinion. If I hadn’t finished my book (some large portion of it that very weekend there in Chapters) I would not have had the balls to do the 3 Day the following year. They are also talking about bloody-mindedness and the the drive to finish. Also important. You need to get totally focused on the experience of the book. No question there.

Of course, I didn’t write mine with strangers in front of the cameras. Well, not strangers. Despite what the show will tell you in a few minutes, none of these people were total enigmas to each other. They had been chatting on message boards and emails and by phone for weeks. Everyone had a pretty good sense of everyone.

Oh, hey, Todd said something relevant. He says that some people know how to tell a story and some don’t. It’s nice to hear non-drivel from him. I think he’s right of course. Writing is a skill that you can learn and improve on through discipline, but story is a gift. It’s pure talent and I don’t think you can learn it, not really.

Now Faust and Todd are talking about how the weekend will be full of surprises. No, not really. The only contest related surprise is coming up, and I don’t think it was a total surprise to the person involved, but I’m a cynic and conspiracy theorist at heart.

And after the commercials we’ll meet the writers, which is great, because, aside from Melissa, I’m sick of the judges already.

So Lorna , Nancy and Matthew are the first to enter. Lorna is a first generation Lebanese Canadian living in Ontario and working writing for a web company. She comes off as very sweet and approachable and funny, and she is all of those things, and very photogenic.

Matthew is a born and bred Toronto kid, working with deaf students. He is, in person a very pretty boy, but he’s looking like hell in this little section for some reason. I hope this doesn’t continue long for he is one of my favourite people and I want him to come off well.

Nancy is a writer and part time librarian living in a little lakeside Ontario town in a gorgeous old house. Okay, is it just me, or will the casual viewer already see that she is the walking stereotype of the buttoned up librarian who is secretly a total hellcat. Well, she totally is a spitfire, I wonder what that kid taking the book from her will think after seeing this show.

The three of them are looking at the bunk beds. Matt is grateful they have railings as he seems to have a rolling problem. Lorna looks very uncomfortable about sleeping in a room full of strangers. Awww princess. On the other hand, Nancy’s wild eyes ARE a little scary and so is her apparent espresso buzz.

Next to arrive are Joe and Paul.

Joe is telling us that she was the first woman in South Africa to do a trans-racial adoption. Jesus Christ, I didn’t know that. Is there anything this woman hasn’t done to earn my fierce love and admiration. I remember in the weeks building up to the contest reading her profile and seeing her picture and being terrified of her. Fucking terrified, because I was afraid she’d be a man-hating political bull dyke type. And of course she is political, and she’s a dyke, but there was so much love and humour and warmth to her that I was actually tongue-tied in her presence. As I’ve said before, she’s marched and suffered and bled for every cause I love.

But I digress.

Paul is up now. He works for See magazine in Edmonton. He is a bubbly geeky bald guy. He seems of my tribe, but he also is very private and a little shy. He comes across wildly likeable. I did not know he had a law degree. I sure know a lot of people with those who don’t practice law. What is the deal with that? He just described himself as a lonely, lonely man. Ah…kidding on the square.

And we’re back to Faust and the judges for some reason? What the hell? Shut up judges, none of this babbling about writing matters right now. You had your turn and fucked it up already. We were meeting the cast and liking them.

Oh good, we’re back to them now.

Here are Gordon and Gayleen entering, which makes sense as Gayleen picked him up at the airport and he came by to meet the dogs, who loved him madly. Especially Spenser who chewed his hand for an hour. I love people who love dogs.

The Parasite mentions Gayleen is bringing lots of baggage. Wow, is that a straight liner. Anyway, she sure did. And who is that fat ugly guy helping to carry it. You know, that one who looks like a bag of trash with a huge head. Oh yes, that’s yr. humble host, shuddering in horror at the sight of himself.

Gayleen is addressing the camera as she unloads Jolt, ginseng, diet cola. She says she’s prepared for all eventualities. All eventualities, it seems to me that require stimulants. Jesus. You know, she didn’t even drink caffeine until we started living together. Make of that what you will.

What’s that ridgepole for? A tent? Of course, it is.

And here’s Gayleen’s profile, there’s our house and that fat bastard again. Gayleen’s music is playing, and they’re talking about her many projects and making her look all well rounded and polymathish.

Gordon jumps out of the gate with his partial paralysis as a result of a spinal injury. Way to go for the sympathy…oh no wait, he’s making jokes about it. Which is his forte, and… my god he has a lovely home.

And they’re interviewing Gayleen back in the store and she’s looking really hot there. Neat.

And now they’re interviewing Gordon. Also looking good here.

And now Gayleen spits some casual math.

“I’ve worked it out,” she says. “I figure it’s coming in at around 17.34 words per minute sustained over 48 hours throughout the 72 hour period…that’s my estimate, and I’m thinking if I do that, I’ll be happy.”

Also she is thinking that you dropped 43 toothpicks, definitely 43, yeah.

Oh, and the Parasite agrees that Gayleen is an intolerable smartypants deserving of sly mockery. Hooray for the Parasite, even if he isn’t Rachel.

James and Marty and Tracy are the next to enter. Marty’s profile is filmed in a theatre. That’s about right. He’s comfortable there, but it helps him keep his privacy. Classy, engaging, affable. That’s Marty.

Tracy is talking about her life, which has not been easy. She’s been a street kid and a druggie, and is now getting her life together. Her vulnerability is a little raw here, and it’s the first time the show has been raw. I think if there are real surprises to come, she’ll be at the center of them.

James’ profile shows him editing film, and there’s a clip of him performing what I assume to be a kind of English folk dance. He’s English, of course, and has lived all over the place prior to moving to Canada with his Canadian wife, bringing his devilish good looks and accent across the border. Damn his eyes.

Now back in the store, James and Marty both seem surprised that the writer’s table is so centrally located. Oh, you poor naive kids. What did you think they’d do? This is supposed to be a spectacle. You’re the monkeys in this zoo. Clap your hands and throw faeces now, come on.

Rebecca and Jennifer are coming into the store now. We see Jennifer’s profile. She’s talking about her house and her kids, and we see her typing there in her gorgeous little house, and now she’s dressed up like Marilyn Monroe. She does this semi-professionally as it happens.

Rebecca’s profile is a little awkward, but she is refreshingly honest about being sort of awkward and ill-defined, but with aspirations. She seems confused, and a little troubled and sensitive, but very likeable. That’s pretty accurate, I think.

Back in the store Jennifer is being mocked for bringing more baggage than Gayleen. Which really is a hell of a thing. Also, she’s dressed like a movie star, whereas everyone else is business casual. She’s a character.

Marty is filmed saying, “We’re all cheery and happy and getting along because we just met each other and we’re Canadian”. And yes, you all are. Which is why I like you. And why Canadian reality shows are not as passionate and hate-fraught as those from our neighbours. Thank you.

And now the Parasite is describing the contestants as possessing wild-eyed naivete. Are we watching the same show? Seriously. I mean, sure, you’re reading a script and never met these people. Unlike Rachel, the host.

And the first challenge is coming up after the break.

I will take this opportunity to discuss the challenges. They are a fucking stupid idea. It was an attempt to create competition and animosity and supposed dramatic tension. In actuality, they were mostly a a waste of time, and kind of embarrassing and awkward. Also, the contestants just wanted everyone to be happy and succeed, so there was no real back-stabbery. This one in particular, I remember and it was painful to watch then, and Im not looking forward to seeing it again. I would have preferred something more co-operative or more designed to share who these people are.

Before I proceed, you need to understand that I do not blame the writers for the debacle I am about to witness. They are all in a strange situation with no idea what to expect, and these challenges are NOT WELL THOUGHT OUT.

Rachel is back, doing her job as host She’s introducing Faust who is the judge for this challenge. The challenge, obnoxiously described by Faust, is to create a pitch for your book in 25 words or less. Now they have a point here, in that selling your book is very hard to do. However, this pitch bullshit has no basis in reality. In reality you write query letters and book summaries considerably longer than twenty five words. Writing a pitch like this would be considered obnoxiously clever by most editors. You might get to use this pitch once you had a foot in the door and a face to face, but otherwise forget it. What this is, you see, is good for television. These are film pitches, really, and that pisses me off. At least admit you’re playing to inform the audience about the books in a very short soundbite. Don’t pretend this has anything to do with craft. Jesus.

Also, that hat is stupid, too.

Okay, so they have a time limit, and they are told to begin writing. The act of writing is very dull to look at, so let’s shake the camera a whole bunch. Wow, it really seems as though something is happening now, boy howdy.

Matt is the first to pitch his book, which sounds intriguing but there’s no meat there. How could there be? Distilling a whole book to 25 words is fucking impossible. if the book is any good, anyhow. I hate this challenge

Gayleen is next, her pitch is concise but not great. I know her book pretty well, and it’s just not able to boil down into that weak a broth.

James’ pitch boils down to “Think Steel Magnolias meets Saw”. I hate that. More on that in a second, as I slap a judge in the nuts again, and bitch profusely about the death of culture.

Joe’s pitch is mildly funny, but doesn’t tell me anything about her book, but who cares as this whole exercise is a monstrously stupid waste of time.

Marty’s pitch about his zombie book is well crafted and amusing, and he comes off as humourously self-effacing here.

Paul’s pitch makes me laugh out loud, and the audience as well. “It doesn’t have much of a plot but it does have a lot of lovely descriptions of eating at Tim Horton’s.” In my opinion his is the winner here so far. I’m not the judge though.

Nancy’s pitch is bland and boring, unfortunately.

Gordon’s pitch is…well it’s Gordon. It does what it says on the tin. If you like that kind of humour, you know what you’re getting.

Lorna’s pitch is very well worded, and I think accurate, but it doesn’t sell me on what makes it stand apart from the dozens of books you could describe with the exact same words.

Tracy’s pitch is nonsense and moondust. I suspect at this point she has no idea what her book is about. Fair enough.

Jennifer’s pitch is really dull, but I like the idea, which leaves me nowhere.

Up last is Rebecca. This pitch is terrible. It’s like a high school poem. Come on girl, you are smarter than that. Sell yourself.

Man. I hate this challenge.

So Faust is now talking about how some got it and some didn’t. He singles Paul out as the loser, which is absolute crap. Of all the pitches, Paul’s was the one that best sold Paul, and best sold his book. It didn’t bore me and it got my attention. Faust deserves a Slap in the Nuts™ for singling Paul out here as the loser. What Paul did was bank on likability. He displayed wit and goofiness, and that pretty much tells you what you’re going to get. As far as I’m concerned, he did it right. Of the twelve, his is the only one that really jumped out of the pack for me.

Except for James’, but that wasn’t good jumping, I’m sad to say.

Faust names the 3 front runners as Joe, James and Matt. My eyes would bug out in shock if I hadn’t been there. And Faust awards first place to James. Faust says that he loves phrases like “Steel Magnolia Meets Saw”.

Okay. No. This kind of jigsaw puzzle reductionism is the death of discourse. That’s a great idea. Let’s break down every new piece of art into a frankensteining of previous works. That should be good for art.

Which reminds me, this whole construction of “It’s like X meets Y” comes from a particular source. It’s not a proud one. It comes from the creative desperation that Universal pictures went through in the forties. Let me explain. From 1931-about 1940 Universal released some of the most loved and successful horror movies of all times. The viewership started to dip. Frankenstein and Dracula and The Mummy and the Wolfman weren’t packing seats the way they used to. And so one day, a guy pitched The Wolfman Meets Frankenstein. It was a huge hit. HUGE. For ten years after that, Universal used that format, mixing characters and genres. Abbot and Costello meet Frankenstein. Abbot and Costello meet the Mummy. About two dozen X meets Y films. And that’s where that goddamned phrase comes from.

So yeah, great, it’s the kind of phrase that tips the film studios in your favour. Is it good art and storytelling? Hell no.

And from what I know of James’ book, it isn’t accurate either. His book is more like The Descent meets Saw. There’s not a lot of supporting loving girl on girl bonding in his story. It’s mostly the dark side of female interactions. So where’s the contrast.

But anyway, I digress. It’s not James’ fault that he went for the cheap shot. It worked. It’s my fault that I hate the world and most of how it works.

And Faust’s hat.

And look, before I continue, I need to say that I love the guy. I know his actual name and all of that. I think he’s swell. It’s the persona of Minister Faust that annoys me. And actually mostly because I just think his role on the show is damned intrusive.

Oops, now why, James, are you slapping your ass and using the word genius? Why? No. That’ll do. Stop. Thank you.

And now they’re asking Paul how he feels about being the loooooser. And he’s pretty funny about it, considering it’s a grave injustice. Happily, this time there’s no penalty and the stakes are small. He is feeling trepidation about his book. This sounds like foreshadowing to me. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.

Oh wait, foreshadowing works better if you let it steep, show.

Paul is in the confessional booth and he’s tearing up his outline. He’s decided to plunge in unprepared with a new idea he’s just conceived. Hm. Part of me, a cynical part, thinks Paul has planned this all along. It’s great TV and he’s sort of sneaky savvy. Just my two cents.

His new idea is to do a novel combining WWII espionage with Broadway song and dance. the other contestants quite rightly are applauding this excellent notion.

Okay, so Rachel is counting down to zero and the writing begins. We cut to the exterior and some fake ass lightning. Ooo, intimidating.

We get some previews. Then over the closing credits, Gayleen is erecting a tent on her top bunk. An actual tent. because she is crazy like that. She he asks the guys if they’ve never pitched a tent. One of her classic single entendres. And we close with Tracy asking if the store is clothes optional.

Closing thoughts. I was really grooving on the scenes where the contestants arrived and their profiles, and just as we started to see them interact we went to the frigging-cliched-reality-show-bankrupt-of-imagination-challenge. Though I confess, the challenge DID in fact show us a fair amount of who all the players are. So, a point for the show.

I just pray the judges become less intrusive, and that Todd, in particular, either thinks harder before speaking or gets a better edit. It was a good start but I want more of the people and less of the faux blood and thunder.

See you next week.